KGSP - reasons for apply and my background
So I wrote it like that:
I'm interested in KGSP for 4 years. My interest occurred When I was in the first year of university. My professor told us about master in the abroad in class so It attracted me to get some informations from the internet and I have seen study in korea website and Kgsp title in there. I have known Korean government supports with judicious financial and educational possibility for foreign students and Kgsp is most safe and precious way to get the education in Korea. So I decided to apply to KGSP.
I graduated from the nursing faculty in July 2017. I had nursing skills in the various clinics at Ataturk University Hospital for four years and In the last term through our faculty system named intern nurses term, I could have experiences working at the hospital as nursing in pediatry and medical oncology clinics particularly 7weeks in each clinics. I also started to learn the Korean by myself 2 years ago while I'm studying nursing. I could have Korean skills about like TOPIK level 3 but I could not join TOPIK exam yet because It becomes in the other city and I could not go there because of time and my exams at school I want to get it as soon as possible. In the same time, I joined to university exam and I won Korean language and literature department in turkey because I thought It will help me as Korean language skills for my nursing education in Korea but I knew KGSP already has presented to us language class for a year so I stopped my that education in the university. Now I'm preparing for my master degree and I'm working as a nursing teacher in surgery clinics for nursing students who are doing the internship at Ataturk University's Hospital.
My nursing education was important to me before financial support so I started to research How can I get an education about the nursing field in Korea though USA education. Because mostly the nursing has developed in the USA.But I have researched from Korean nurses and I asked them about nursing education. I got this nursing field has potential to improve so much because Korea has developed about medical technology, disciplined education system, and nursing professors, academicians have many achievements.Especially I noticed to Chung-Ang University's education and hospital opportunities are better than others. Chung-Ang University's Community Health Nursing Professor Lee Gyu Young attracted me with her articles and achievements, So I would like to study community health nursing at Chung-Ang University.One another reason to study in Korea is I was learning the Korean language.I always find korean easier than english maybe though in the same language family with turkish language.That's all made me want to study in Korea.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,421 3392
Kubra, your essay is one of the weakest KGSP scholarship letters of self introduction that I have read so far. It is weak because your grasp of the English language is insufficient. So all of the essay paragraphs are either incomplete in the presentation of the thought process or not properly developed into an informative sentence. As you have admitted in the essay that English is not your strong suit, you should seek additional help from your peers or an English professional in order to clean up your presentation.
Your first paragraph about the motivations for which you apply to this program are not impressive at all. Saying that you researched all of the available scholarships means that you actually could be applying to more than one scholarship program. The reviewer may dislike that statement and think that you are a "professional scholarship applicant". That means, you apply to more than one scholarship so that you can simply get out of your country legally and it doesn't matter where you end up going to school as long as it gets you out of your country. In fact, your whole essay sounds like you are aiming to become an immigrant in Korea rather than simply being a student, which is the wrong purpose for your application.
Next, do not rate yourself as a potential TOPIK exam taker. You are assuming too much and that overconfidence regarding your master of Hangul could be your undoing. Simply state that you took Korean classes which you hope can help you become a better Hangul student during the mandatory 1 year language lesson in Korea. All the other information that you stated about studying Hangul then stopping because you found out that the KGSP will pay for language education makes it sound like you do not have the conviction to finish what you started. Do not assume that you will get the scholarship because just when you think it is a sure thing, that is when you will lose it. Don't be cocky.
The discussion about studying nursing in the USA is irrelevant. The USA is not the country you are applying for a scholarship to. Focus only on the Korean element of your application at all times.
Thank you so much for your advices I will fix my mistakes.And I think I should write with Korean because as you see I am not good at English :(