Hi... I need your feedback on my essay for the AAS program.
What are your plans when you finish your studies.
These are my two option answer. Which one do you think is more realistic and convincing from a reader's point of view. I plan to take a master's program in tourism.
FYI: I'm a bachelor of tourism with 7 years of working experience in tour and travel agency.
Opsi 1. One of the careers that I would like to pursue is to become a tourism developer. My area has significant tourism potential, therefore upon my return to Indonesia, I will collaborate with tourism governmental institutions and also local community organizations to develop a tourist village. By developing a tourist village, it is expected to conserve natural assets, traditions, and stimulate sustainable economic growth in rural areas in Bangka Belitung islands specifically and Indonesia generally.
Opsi 2. Upon my return to Indonesia, I plan to develop a tourism training organization in my hometown, Bangka Belitung Islands. Focusing on capacity building, I intend to ensure tourism actors and local communities have easy access to sharpen their knowledge and skill in the tourism sector through a collaboration between tourism experts in Indonesia and Australia. I believe that the skills and networking I gained in my Master's study in Australia will strengthen my expertise to achieve this goal
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,400 3385
The last thing that I can do for you here is make the decision for you regarding which statement to submit. The strength of your statement comes from your confidence in your own writing. You need to trust your gut feeling when it comes to how you will represent yourself in line with the statement requirements. Both are strong, both have benefits, both have drawbacks. The decision as to which you believe will best suit your purpose within the application comes from within you. Do not expect other people to make that decision for you. Nobody will want to accept the blame if you fail to make it into the program. Any failure cannot be attributed to anyone but yourself. When you ask someone to make the choice for you, you are laying the foundation to find a scapegoat, someone to blame, for any shortcomings your application may have. That, is not something I am willing to take on for you. That is not something anybody here, as forum participants, should be relied on to do either. They have their own problems with writing their own responses to even bother to help you pick a response for your own application.